Fizzy Follies: The Rodent Within

Hello my darlings!

Okay, so the following story is entirely true. Hideously, hilariously true.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, almost seven years ago, the hubs and I lived in an old farm house that had actually been my childhood home. It was over 100 years old and acted like it.

Yes, this house was it’s own entity. Sentient house is sentient.

Anyway, I was an enormous pregnant lady. I am missing part of my spine (birth defect, no tears!) and so when I am about four months along, the babies hop up and sit on my ribs for the remainder of my pregnancy. Makes things easier with breathing, but when they kicked, it would make my boobs bounce. Seriously.

Imagine the looks I got in various public locations when this would happen…

Here is an actual pic of me a month after this story for reference:

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So, there I am, super enormous pregnant lady. And it’s a few days before Halloween.

Hubs decided he was going to go see the new scary/slasher whatever movie that I was too chicken to watch, so off to the theater he went while I stayed at home, snergling my critters and watching edited for TV versions of scary movies because I was determined not to be a weenie.

Later in the story it will be important to note that we had three dogs and a big cat at this time. The cat weighs 20 pounds, the smallest dog was 45 pounds, the biggest 75.

There I am, hanging out in my pregnant lady jammies, all by my lonesome in a sentient house, hanging with critters, watching scary movies. Like an idiot.

Then I hear a noise…

Trying to be a super boss, I don’t follow my instinct and call Drew immediately to come home and search for the monster.

No, I go looking for the source.

The pets are all up and skittering through the house looking for it as well.

And then it gets so quiet I should have known I was about to die.

Out of fucking nowhere, a squirrel, a MOTHER FUCKING SQUIRREL, comes tearing through the living room.

There is no end to the screaming that poured from me.

I immediately called the hubs, shrieking at a decibel only dogs can hear, and relayed the terror unfolding before me.

As I am on the phone freaking out, and again, I swear this happened, the squirrel comes running back in my direction, darts right between my legs, and then I hear the thunder of three giant dogs, and one OMFG cat as they follow right behind it, ALSO BETWEEN MY LEGS.

How my enormous pregnant self managed to not fall over, I will never know.

It is at this point, I am barely containing my ability not to pee myself, and I run screaming into the other room, cowering on the back of the couch while the most terrified squirrel you ever saw is chased by 200 pounds of critter with a taste for squirrel stank.

Eventually, the posse chased the squirrel behind our bedroom dresser and I embraced bravery only long enough to peak behind it to confirm it was there, have it squeak at me, and then I ran flailing and screaming in the opposite direction.

And I stayed hidden on my bed under a blanket, one eye out, watching that damn dresser all effing night, until my husband came home.

To this day, I don’t know if that squirrel made it out alive. I don’t know if it died from fright behind that dresser, if it escaped on it’s own when the pets weren’t looking, if the hubs managed to wrangle it out at some point, or if the house just reabsorbed it back into it’s own evil.

All I know, is that for one night, I was the most pregnant lady ever, living out my very own personal hell mixed with a Looney Tunes cartoon.

This is my life.

Anyone want to have a sleep over? No?

I hope you all are having wonderful, squirrel-free weeks!!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and SQUIRRELS!!

3 Comments

  1. I loved this. Laughed so hard my boobs shook…

  2. Oh gawd. It hurts to laugh right now, but the pain was so blissfully worth it.

    *HUG* Seriously, on the day we meet (cause we totally will) I am giving you the biggest hug ever. For like DAYS!

  3. Summer, if your hubby has to go away for awhile, call me. I’ll come stay and protect you. And I’ll bring my 20 lb. 20 year old cat who last week nailed a six inch (not including the tail) RAT in my KITCHEN! He’d killed it before my hubby could remove it, but if he’d been gone, I could have done it. Except no guns!! I won’t have guns. Once I was away at a conference and came home to specks of blood and guts all over my mud porch–the one with the dog door in it where the coon came in for a munch of cat food. Yes, he did. He shot the damn thing and spewed it all over the inside of my house. What I found, which was disgusting mind you, was what was left after he thought he’d cleaned it up. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the day washing the walls. Ah the joy of life in the country!

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