Fizzy Follies: The Keys to Humiliaton

Hello my loves!

I’m a very spastic person. I don’t ever pretend to have even an ounce of grace in my person, and I accept this about myself. I own my flailing.

There seems to be two kinds of people in my world. The people who understand my clumsiness and those who just stare at me and hope whatever is causing me to act like this isn’t contagious.

A week ago, I went to pick my son up from preschool. I always get to the school about ten minutes early so I can sit peacefully in my car, turn on the seat/ass warmers, and listen to whatever music I want before the Little Sir joins me and demands we listen to Katy Perry’s “Roar” on repeat all the way home.

It’s adorable, by the way. He calls it the Happy Song. Awww.

Anyway, I was zen’ed out, feeling the flow, embracing the calming sounds of the rain on the roof and watching as the little droplets meshed to form tributaries on the windshield.

Plus I was rocking out to Pink which had me feeling a little more badass than I actually am.

I exit my car, feeling confident and strutty. I had to park across the street and usually jaywalk my way over the school like it ain’t no thang.

That day, seeing that I was being drenched in rain as I waited for a lull in passing cars, a nice lady in a pretty red car decided to stop traffic to let me pass.

Aww, what a kind person. Yay, faith in humanity!

I take two steps, raise my hand to wave a thank you.

Except, when I waved, my keys flew from my hand, landed on the hood of her car with a horrible CLANK and then slid down onto the wet ground.

I start mouthing crazy apologies to her and scuttle over to grab my keys.

I stand up, try to wave another apology, and I swear to everything, my now wet and slippery keys fall right out of my hand again and land right in the middle of the street.

There are now at least three cars behind this poor woman who is looking at me with a look I never want to see on anyone ever again.

I try to quickly race over to get my keys, and because the universe hates me, I trip over thin air, and fall face first onto the pavement.

The woman now has her mouth open like the most stunned of fish.

I sit back on my knees, sigh, throw my hands up in defeat and say, “For the love of god, just go.”

The attempted Good Samaritan in the pretty red car, mouth still wide open, just shakes her head at me in total disbelief and drives right the fuck on.

I clamor up, put my damn troll keys in my pocket like a smart person would have a looooooong time ago, and let all the other cars go by as I stand there completely soaking wet in the street.

It was like a game of Frogger gone horribly awry.

And I think it is a safe bet that woman won’t ever make the mistake of stopping to let someone cross the street ever again.

That’s right, kids. I can single handedly kill someone’s will to perform random acts of kindness with my special brand of spastic.

Fizzy Flailing: Patent Pending.

I hope you all are having a spectacular week, and that your grip and ability to walk are more intact than my own!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and Frogger


  1. OMG! I laughed so hard, I cried. Your description of the looks on their faces was the icing on the cake!! A brilliant story! … so sorry it really happened to you though. It does however illustrate my belief that today’s disaster is tomorrow’s funny story 🙂

  2. Too funny you could be a comedian/writer.

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