Fizzy Follies: Agent X and the Peepee Dance

Hello my darlings!

When I signed with my lovely, dream-tastic agent, I swore that I would tell you all some of the shenanigans I managed to get myself into on my quest to sign with said dream agent. And, as always, I’m a giver.

We all have that one friend. The one that says wildly inappropriate things, always by accident, who lacks grace in social circumstances, who gets too excited and flails around like squirrel that just drank a case of gin.

I am that friend.

So, being that my calling card is almost always verbal incontinence, you can imagine how scared I was when I started getting close to agent calls.

These are terrifying in their own right. You are talking to AN AGENT. Like, the person who could take your hand and lead you into the world of literary awesomeness.

Ermahgerd, right?

Okay, let’s just cut to the chase of how I set myself up for stupidity here.

I didn’t always know the things I know now about agents. Case in point: I assumed that if an agent was taking the time to call you, it meant that if you didn’t get an offer by the end of that call, you done screwed up and lost your shot.

Let me clear this up really fast. THAT IS NOT TRUE. I was wrong. Agents call for all kinds of damn reasons. I honestly lost count of how many phone calls I had with agents in the last few weeks before I signed with Sarah, only two of them were from Offer-ville.  The rest were chatting, revision talk, and so on.

Now, keep in mind, when the first phone call came, I DID NOT KNOW THIS.

So there I was, Monday morning, bright and chipper. When suddenly, a short email comes in from Agent X. (Side Note: Agent X is in fact, NOT Sarah.)  Agent X asked how my revisions were going and asked if I had time for a phone call chat later.

This single email and all three of it’s sentences set off an explosion of OMGWTFERMAHGERD in my house. I literally hyperventilated.  The hubs and I both thought this was it. This was THE CALL and if I messed it up, I would lose my shot at a fabulous agent offering to me.

Clearly, I was not starting off well. I was so freaked out by the prospect of an agent calling, I didn’t focus on Agent X’s mentioning revisions the way they did, which should have been my first clue this was a REVISIONS CALL.

In my defense, I didn’t even know those were a thing.

(Second Side Note: I have never been a smooth talker when chatting with agents on the phone. In fact, I think I teared up with every agent I talked to. BUT, with Sarah, for the entire call, I was so in awe I felt like I’d had a stroke. That is how I knew she was THE ONE. Trust your feels, kids.)

Anyway, here is where my panic and excitement get the best of me.

So, at the time of this little interaction, we had the shittiest cell phone service you ever did see. I am not exaggerating here. It was dismal. The only place in our entire house that we could actually hear a phone call was while lying in a certain position on our bed at a funny angle. I’m not kidding. And even then, reception was spotty at best, and calls dropped any time a moth in a neighboring county sneezed.

Fucking, sneezing moths.

Naturally, I decided that the safest bet to avoid a dropped cell call which would surely anger Agent X causing my possible offer to flit off with those damn moths was to go to the one place in town where I knew we had full coverage.

The parking lot of the big hardware store.

In the email, we decided to set the call for early afternoon.  Somehow, my husband and I, with our excessive enthusiasm, decided that the best course of action was to arrive at the parking lot at 12:30 and wait there for the phone call.

Are you laughing at me yet? You should be.

And so that is exactly what I did. I grabbed my little notebook of questions, said a prayer to the literary gods, climbed into my mini-van, and parked my ass in the back row of a hardware store parking lot. Like a boss.

Cut to about two hours later.

At this point, I have been sitting in the car for some time, and the panic is setting in. Surely Agent X changed their mind. Something more important came up. An asteroid hit their office building. All the logical possibilities, obviously.

Then, it hits me.

I have to pee.

BADLY.

But, I was too scared to go. What if they called as soon as I entered the hardware store bathroom!? Then what the hell would I do? If a dropped call would turn off an agent, what the hell would the background sounds of a flushing toilet do? Or worse, what if the phone rang as soon as my cheeks hit the seat!? THERE IS NO WINNING HERE.

So I refused. I would not risk the possibilities. I would not.

During this time, I was messaging my friend who knew I was taking this call, and shared my bladder-ly concerns with her.

She naturally said, “Uh, go the the bathroom. You idiot.”  Loosely translated.

But I couldn’t!!  I just KNEW that if I went, it would somehow be the thing that ruined THE CALL and I would forever have to look back upon my life knowing that possibly my only shot at having an agent offer GENUINELY WENT DOWN THE TOILET.

My entire car was shaking with the vibrations from my peepee dance.

Another entire hour goes by. I am desperate. I am looking around the van and see my son’s diaper bag.

This actual statement was said to my friend,

“I swear to god I just looked at my son’s diaper bag and thought…”

Her: “GO TO THE FUCKING BATHROOM.”

And at that moment, Agent X called.

I went through a 45 minute conversation with my legs crossed, my knees clenched, and thanking every god in the universe that I have a friend who reminds you what sanity tastes like.

And the call was solely about revisions.

Which again, I thought meant I had screwed up.

After the call ended, and the bathroom visited, I sat in my car in tears, thinking I had just lost my shot to impress an agent, possibly ruptured my bladder in the process and…oh shit…no, please no…

I’d left my keys in the wrong position in the ignition, and for the entire call, had been slowly draining my battery.

And my van was totally dead.

I was stuck in a hardware store parking lot with no agent offer and a goddamn dead car battery.

I ran from car to car asking for help and ended up garnering the assistance of a trucker who not only hit on me as he jumped my car, but made very frightening accusations about his bitch of an ex-girlfriend as he did. That I made it out of that parking lot alive is a testament to guardian angels. Just sayin’.

So. Class, what can we learn from this little experience?

1. There are different kinds of agent phone calls. Being prepared but not expecting anything is key.

2. If you have to pee, fucking go pee.

3. Yes, agent calls are worth getting excited over, but it is not now, nor will it ever be a reason to consider even for a second going all Crazy Diaper Astronaut in a mini-van.

So that’s it. If you can no longer look at me the same way, I judge you not. This was not my finest moment in life. In my pitiful defense, IT WAS A BLINK OF A THOUGHT, not a well thought out plan. Still. I judge me.

But, I learned. And let me tell you, every single damn call after that? Laying like a Yogini in a Warrior pose in my bed the entire time.

Sarah, if you are reading this blog, yes, I was positioned like that for our entire call. THE ENTIRE CALL.

I guess the real moral here is FUCK AT&T. Right? Right.

I hope you all are having a stellar week!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and Pampers!

46 Comments

  1. Bwahahahahaha! I wish I had your bladder strength. I confess to once finding my 3y/o daughter’s portable potty seat VERY useful when I was stuck waiting in a Target parking lot. But that’s just because I have a thing about the smell of public bathrooms….(among many, many other things). I’m glad your story had a happy ending, and I hope to God you never switch to Verizon. (Trust me–it’s worse. There’s truth to that “Can you hear me now?” stuff on tv.)

    • LOL!! So help me, if I’d HAD a portable potty, things would have turned out much different.

      And yes, we did indeed have to switch to Verizon. They are the only ones with actual cell service in our area!! *shakes fists at phones*

  2. Best agent phone call story EVER.

  3. I don’t know how to respond to that, other than to say that I love that fizzy little mind of yours. 🙂

  4. Empathetic tears are rolling down my cheeks (the ones on my face). I was a “monitoring biologist” at a job involving hundreds of guys from Idaho building transmission towers in a flat, no-hiding-place prairie. I was the only woman. There were no bathrooms amongst the windswept dry grasses (tho’ I longed to water them) and was required to be on-site before, and after, everybody else. Let’s just say I didn’t feel guilty when I finally demanded my own, personal, port-a-potty.

  5. This is my fave fizzy post so far!

  6. I’m pretty sure this is one of the greatest posts I’ve ever read.

  7. I love this post. Your honesty, profanity and moral guidance speak to me. Thank you for reminding me that we’re all people, and people are people.

  8. You KNOW the moment you sat down on the toilet she would have called an hour earlier, right? Ahhh fate.

    (I hate talking on the phone and really dread getting “the call” someday, even if it means something amazingly good)

  9. This is so much fun to read & one day I promise we’ll share a coffee; preferably Irish and some of my (many) personal examples of embarrassing moments!

    • I very much look forward to this. Although, fair warning, coffee and booze give me the bladder space of a kitten, so you might see the live version of this tale in action…

  10. OMG I l<3 this true confession, Summer! I can totally see myself doing all of these things, and I love it even more that thanks to you, I now know EXACTLY what to do (and not to do) when the same series of events starts falling into place in my future. BRING IT ON! I'm ready!

  11. This is 99% of the reason I still hang on to my land line. Our cell service is spotty in the house, and going out on the porch isn’t always a fun option (rain, snow, cold, sun, neighbors, hunting season, and still about a 20% chance of getting disconnected mid-call).

    So far I’ve only been lucky enough to talk with one agent on the phone, and I knew going in that it wasn’t an offer call. I agree that no matter the reason for the call, it’s the most unbelievably nerve-wracking call I’ve ever had. To this day I’m amazed the agent in question hasn’t posted warning signs all over the internet, alerting people to stay away from the crazy babbling incoherent lady. 🙂

  12. “No, she didn’t…”
    That was me, talking to myself, at the moment I thought you were about to say you used one of the diapers. Hilarious.

  13. I had this SAME THING. I thought my phone call was AN OFFER when it was in fact…a revisions phone call. The agent had to tell me calmly halfway through that it wasn’t an offer of rep. LOL. I’m surprised she still wanted me to do revisions for her. Might’ve helped that I pulled a Fizzy (before I knew abt Twitter etc) and told her she was f*&^%ing genius on the phone 😉

  14. Thanks for sharing. What a tortured experience. I guess it tells the rest of us not to get so excited about the call and to expect that it could be hours from the scheduled time before we get it. Glad it all worked out for you.

  15. Hahaha!! I love you. That is all.

  16. I am reading this and love everything. EVERYTHING. I mean, I’m sorry you almost peed your pants.

  17. you need verizon! we have awesome coverage. lol. even in alaska! 🙂 i love your shenanigans and it’s all very visual. haha <3 you sunny!

  18. Un-frikkin-believable. Thanks for sharing this awesome story.

  19. First off, kudos for putting this out there without being sure of the reaction it’d get. Of course it’s hilarious, and we heart you. You needn’t have been worried.

    Maybe as authors we need to stop talking about The Call, and start talking about the calls, plural. Saying The Call can lead us with the dangerous assumptions that every call is an offer-call, that we should take the first offer-call we get because it might be the only one, and that we can’t pee for fear of losing our one and only offer call ever.

    • YES. I wish I had known the way things were done and I could have saved myself soooo much trouble!

      We get ourselves all primed into a frenzy as we search for agents that by the time we speak to one, we explode our anxieties all over the situation.

  20. This is a variation of what I expect to happen to me at Midwest Writer’s Workshop.

    BUT, what I will take away from this story is–despite this, you still got an agent! So even if this does happen, there’s hope!

    P.S. I don’t think I even need to point out how hilarious this was to imagine.

    • Pssh, you are going to do GREAT at MWW!!! I promise, I will make sure you don’ rupture your bladder, 😉

      And yes, through all my mistakes, I have my dreamy agent, AND I still talk to almost all the agents I was involved with during the quest! Even Agent X here is still a pal.

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