All in the Family

Hello my loves!

Yesterday was a dramatic day for our little family.

I was out shopping with my tots who are home on Summer Break when I noticed several missed calls from my mom. I’d been planning to drop some things off at her house and assumed she was checking to see when we’d arrive.

Not so much.

She explained, quite calmly, she had  fallen off her front porch and was lying in the bushes.

Some background: Over the last four years or so, my mom now seventy-two-year-old mom has broken her leg twice. And I don’t mean like, aww, here’s a cute cast and crutches. I mean like, HOLY DAMN HOW COULD ANYONE SURVIVE SHATTERED BONES LIKE THIS OMG.

Each time she has broken that poor leg, she ends up in a rehabilitation home for months after surgery to repair said shattered bones.

Plus she has the weird clotty blood gene thing.

So when she falls, PANIC.

I tore across town, trying to relay to the children that Nana had fallen and we were going to go help her, all the while keeping that kind of creepy cheerful Mom voice and white-knuckling my steering wheel.

We get to my parents’ house and there sits my dad on the front porch, and there’s my mom. In the friggin’ bushes.

Thanks to her wonky leg, if she falls, it’s hard to get up.

But yesterday we had the added treat of her having landed on her arm which we were pretty damn sure was broken.

Also worth noting: My mom has a bit of an ambulance phobia, and was forbidding me from going all 911 on the situation.

I called my sister-in-law who lives two blocks over to see if she could hang with my kids once I figured out how to, ya know, get mom out of the bushes and took her to the ER.

As soon as I heard my SIL speak, in a very pitiful voice, I remembered she’d just been diagnosed with a MRSA staph infection and had been hit with a fever.

The overly-cheerful Mom voice kicked in again and I assured her I could totes handle all of this, and I would check on her soon because well, fever with staph is not what you want at all.

After half an hour of on the surface calm and mental OMGWTF AM I GONNA DO, I called my hubs and sounded the alarms. He raced home to either help, or take the children, depending on the situation once he arrived.

Oh, and my eighty-year-old father had tried to help my mom up and herniated a disc in his back and was literally writhing in pain, did I forget to mention that?

After standing there, eyes vibrating, trying to Sherlock any possible way to get mom out of the bushes, I stomped my foot, said, “Sorry, not sorry!” and called 911. Because I mean, damn.

Long story short, after a few hours at the Emergency Room, mom was home, morphine’d up, and arm in a sling. Thankfully it wasn’t worse, so, YAY. Dad had gone horizontal and was feeling better. I brought them both dinner and a giant thing of ice cream. As one does.

SIL did get to the doctor who tried to blame her previously diagnosed MRSA infection symptoms on PMS. That doctor will need to sleep with one eye open for the foreseeable future…

ANYWAY.

After I knew mom was going to live and what not, she started relaying how the accident happened to me.

They’d recently had new internet installed by AT&T but the installer had left the big cable just draped across their backyard instead of burying it. He said he’d come back to finish, but never has.

So, my parents had to move their dog’s potty-zone to the front yard. (BTW, AT&T will be getting a spectacularly shouty phone call from me today. In case anyone was curious.)

When my mom went to sit on her front porch, as the cute old folks do, she’d tripped over the dog leash, executed what I am told was a magnificent pirouette, and landed shoulder first in the bushes.

I only giggled at the pirouette once I knew she was going to be fine, I swear…

Then, she tells me, as she laid there, my dad had yanked on the first pair of pants he could find before rushing out to help her.

He’d totally grabbed my mom’s pants.

I remember standing there, trying to work out how to get her up without further injuring her arm, but distinctly thinking, “WTF is up with his pants…?”

And, right before I’d arrived, the mail lady had dropped by with a stack of letters.

So there’s my dad wearing my mom’s pants, having just minutes before thrown his back all out, and my mom. Lying in the bushes.

The mail lady was like, “Everything okay here?” and my mom just calmly smiled and said, “YEP.”

The mail lady handed my mom their mail…IN THE BUSHES…and awkwardly walked away.

My mom told me she sat there flipping through bills with one arm while she waited for me.

I also distinctly remember seeing a stack of mail on the porch and wondered, “No really…WTF is happening…?”

When the EMTs arrived, they warned mom her bushes might be damaged when they brought in the stretcher, and she very nonchalantly says, “That’s okay. I was going to have my daughter tear them out anyway.”

It’s worth mentioning that when my mom broke her leg the first time, and I can’t emphasize this enough, shattered her femur so that her leg was in actual separate pieces, when that batch of EMTs arrived, she looked up from the sidewalk where she laid in more pain than I think normal people can survive and said, “I’m normally much taller than this.”

As I left their house for the evening, all drugged up and situated and full of ice cream, my mom, still morphine-y says to my dad and I, “Well, dad will have to help me get my pants off.”

I had a tiny stroke right then, just FYI.

Me: “Mom–what?”

Mom: “Well, the bathroom will be tricky now…”

Dad: O_O

Me: “You made it 48 years of marriage before this moment. It was a great run, guys. *looks at my dad* No really, all the luck to ya. *stares at never ending void of time and space*  I HAVE TO GO NOW AND UNSEE THESE THINGS IN MY HEAD CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING BYE.”

Basically, what I’m trying to say with this tale is, I think it’s pretty clear where the weird that is me comes from, yeah?

It’s never dull in our world, guys.

I hope you all are having wonderful weeks!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and Inherited Awesome

6 Comments

  1. I love how the mail lady handed your mom the mail in the bushes. That’s my fave part, hands down.

  2. I’m imagining my Dad in my Mom’s pants right now.
    Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

    Great post!

    OOPS!
    Just reread that–I meant CLOTHING wise, not afternoon delight wise.
    Holy crap.

  3. 1. You’re an amazing daughter/mom/SIL/wife.

    2. Your mom is delightful.

    3. Your dad must be in great shape to wear your mom’s pants. (My hubs would never be able to manage.)

    4. AT&T should now also sleep with one eye open.

  4. Nikola Vukoja |

    I always enjoy reading your posts, and never miss them, but this one has to be one of my fav’s.
    I think your mum is awesome and someone should write a series about her(you can guess who that someone is right?)
    And I think your dad sounds like the sweetest and cutest person… but I can’t get past the mail-lady.
    So I’m trying to imagine this.
    Lady in her 70’s in the bushes, mail lady asks if everything’s OK your mum says yes… and she believes her?
    My favourite part was the image in my head of your mum going through the mail and the bills, as I say she’s wonderful.
    God bless!

  5. SUMMER.

    1. I’m so glad that everyone is okay.
    2. Your mom is awesome. Seriously. My mom had a similar sense of humor, so her wit amused me greatly.
    3. The AT&T people need to come and fix their shit. WTF.
    4. And, lastly, you can tease your dad for the rest of time — because he accidentally cross-dressed. hehehehe

    Love ya. <3

  6. So, so sorry to hear this! I’m glad everyone is sorted out.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.