Can’t Remember to Forget You

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Hello my loves!

I received some unusual news this week. My life since August has been a mess of doctors and medical contraptions and what have you, and I met with a new neurologist yesterday. I’ve had migraines since the age of twelve and have seen my share of brain docs, but this one was brought on by a need to get me away from scary heart attack causing migraine meds, and also because I don’t remember most of August.

I knew I’d been having some issues, brainily speaking, but I chalked it up to stress, medications, and hell, even age at this point.

The good doc sat me down and we did some tests. Things like he would list four words and I’d have to repeat them back.

Except I couldn’t.

IT WAS SUPER WEIRD.

I could hear him. I could hear the words he was saying. I knew the words. But I couldn’t get them to come back out of my mouth. I couldn’t get my brain to form the words in my mind.

It was so freaking frustrating.

It was also really freaking fascinating.

And oh my god freaking terrifying.

I can’t remember all four of the words, hardy har, but one of them was raccoon. I heard him say it, I wanted to say it, but I couldn’t form it. I was getting really scared and annoyed by the process and in a burst of frustration, I sort of shouted, “ROCKET!” at him.

The good news is that since my brain made the connection to Rocket the Raccoon, the doc says my brain isn’t broken.

The bad news is that after all our tests he says there is “evidence of damage” to my brain.

I’m going to go ahead and put “Told I have brain damage.” right up there on the list of things I never want to be told again. It’s nestled right after, “You had a heart attack.” and right before, “Did you know you can get tonsil cancer?”

My body is such a prick.

So, anyway, my brain is a little broken. According to the doc, it could have been caused during the medicine mix-up/heart attack, during a mini-stroke, or from my compound migraines.

I’ve only been getting compound migraines for the last three years but golly gee do I hate them so. They act like strokes. I was having one the night of the heart fiasco.

Once, when our son was but a wee little human meatloaf in swaddling, I was trying to sing him to sleep and a migraine hit. I was mid-verse and the words started coming out in gibberish. I was thinking in proper words, but nothing would come out that wasn’t nonsense.

A year or so ago, I decided to watch a scary movie with the hubs. I got a little too scared because I set off a migraine that left me literally unable to speak. At all. No words. Or sounds. I was fine, but the right side of my body was numb and I couldn’t talk. I knew what was happening and spent the next three hours texting to my husband who was right beside me, assuring him I would live so he wouldn’t call 911.

Basically, compound migraines are super awful. I recommend avoiding them. Heart attacks, too. Those are full of suck.

And things since the episode haven’t been swell, brain-wise. I forget a lot. Like, a lot. I will get replies to emails I don’t remember sending. I will think I’ve responded to messages but nope. I have to write everything down the minute I think of it or it’s gone forever. I’ve made some massive banking errors. I get a little confused what was a dream and what happened for real. I sometimes get confused on our pets’ names. (When you have as many critters as we do, it’s a long role call to get to the right name…)

Again, I was thinking, STRESS. OLD. SOMETHING OTHER THAN BROKEN BRAIN.

Off we go now to have MRIs and tests and what not. Wee. I’m still sorting through all the results from my heart being wonky.

I sort of feel like I turned 33 and my warranty expired…

But! Lest this all sound super depressing and WAH, I have to say, I’m totally fascinated by the broken brain thing.Thankfully, I’m not irreparably damaged, and was told I’ll be able to do something akin to physical therapy, but like, for yer noggin, and get back to the good old days of thinking.

While part of me wanted to scream and cry and say the word raccoon yesterday, the other part of me was like, “This is fucking wacky, and I desperately need to understand the science behind it.”

So, that’s my week thus far. A tricky heart and a broken brain. If my courage goes missing, I’m one pair of ruby slippers away from a grand adventure.

I’ll likely keep things posted on here with the brain therapy because dude, it’s BRAIN THERAPY. It sounds so neat. My cerebellum is going to be doing chin-ups and shit. I assume. That’s how this will work, yeah?

I hope you all are having the most fantastic of weeks!

Until next time,

Peace, Love, and Braaaaaaaainsssssss.

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